Friday, March 30, 2007

For Jensen

I don't know how else to start this post; My brother Jensen committed suicide. He died on February 9th. He lived in Utah so we didn't get to see each other very often but we talked almost daily. We were close. I just can't believe it.

He was such a cool guy. He was an artist. He taught himself how to play guitar, he wrote songs, he drew, he painted, he wrote stories and poems. He wrote the lyrics for a musical adaptation of the Legend of Sleepy Hollow. He loved music and poetry and horror movies and Vincent Price. He was kind and thoughtful. He was gentle. He was my go-to guy. He knew or would quickly find the answer to any question. He was smart. He prided himself on being funny and witty. He was clever. He was always very loving to me. He encouraged me and loved me and didn't judge me. When he found out how much I loved photography he bought me my first digital camera. He shared. He rooted for the underdog. We had lots of plans together. He was 32.

I still can't believe he is gone. I went to his funeral. I went through his things in the apartment where he died. I came back home. I've already put his things in my house. Life is moving on. But I miss him. I wish I could talk to him. I wish he had called me that day.

He had been suffering from depression for 14 years. He felt that his life had become unbearable. I wish I could have shouldered some of the burden for him. I know that I did help him I but wish I could have done more. I wish he was still here.

This is how I like to think of him now: happy and free and light. Floating like a leaf on the wind. Flying like a bird, legs swinging and the wind in his hair. I am not sure what waits for us all after we die, but I hope it includes peace for Jensen. I miss him and love him everyday.
Jensen Reed 11/14/1974-02/09/2007


SoundHunter said...

Sorry about Jensen...very sad. Tragic how so many of the most amazing people self destruct, they feel things much more intensely.

Thank you for visiting my blog and commenting. Your son is a handsome little one!

Danielle's Daily life said...

My condolences

Jessi said...

I stumbled onto your blog, and wanted to offer sympathy and empathy. I lost a friend to suicide in September of last year. I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope that you have an excellent support system (looks like you do--a good family is a good start, eh?)
Best wishes.

DaikiniCrossroads ~Crystal~ said...

Ahhh, so sorry. When I was 24 my 24 year old best friend committed suicide, my 26 year old cousin died of AIDS, and my very close friend of 24 jumped out of a plane...freaked out when the shoot was opening and fell to the ground. It was a hard year for me to 'think about'. Now, so many years later I 'understand' but there are days when I'm still not okay because I miss them dearly. I'm so sorry for your loss...big hugs for today and in the future.

Ren said...

What a lovely tribute to someone very special.

I found your blog through Zenmomma and really enjoyed seeing your brothers art.

Stay in touch with me will you? I have the Butterfly Gypsy art that ZenMum made and she is going to do some traveling.