Today would have been my sweet brother's 33rd birthday. I still can't believe that he's not here to celebrate it. I bought him a card. I felt weird not getting one this year-like it would mean denying that he ever existed if I didn't. I don't know what I will do with it though.
I am really sad today and missing Jensen like crazy. I got one of those birthday reminder e-mails today for Johnson O. He must have filled it out that way a long time ago and so I got a chuckle out of it. He was always doing stuff like that.
My sister sent me the CD of his funeral (did you know they record funerals now? I didn't). I haven't listened to it yet but it reminded me of some funny stories people have told about him. One friend talked about a day they were going to the mall as teenagers. They drove to our house to get Jensen and he came out wearing shorts and he had shaved vertical stripes on his legs just to make his friends laugh. Another guy told about a time in college when they were sitting around in the cafeteria. Jensen walked pretending he had a racket on his shoulder and said, "Anyone for squash?" in an overdone British accent. The guy who told the story was looking for a name for his band at the time so he chose Anyone for Squash.
I guess the worst part of today is that I am gaining on Jensen. For as long as I've been alive he has been around and he was always my older brother. I am still 2 years behind but pretty soon I won't be. I think my 33rd birthday will be really hard because then I will be older than he ever was. My life will move on and I will get older and he will always be young. It seems wrong to me.
From the first time I saw him (I don't have a picture of that) to the last time I saw him (I do, unfortunately, have a pic of that-I didn't know it would be the last time I saw him. It is the one of us with Jensen in the green coat) I have always loved him, looked up to him, and known he was special. Today is no different.