Happy Birthday Jensen

Today would have been my sweet brother's 33rd birthday. I still can't believe that he's not here to celebrate it. I bought him a card. I felt weird not getting one this year-like it would mean denying that he ever existed if I didn't. I don't know what I will do with it though.

I am really sad today and missing Jensen like crazy. I got one of those birthday reminder e-mails today for Johnson O. He must have filled it out that way a long time ago and so I got a chuckle out of it. He was always doing stuff like that.

My sister sent me the CD of his funeral (did you know they record funerals now? I didn't). I haven't listened to it yet but it reminded me of some funny stories people have told about him. One friend talked about a day they were going to the mall as teenagers. They drove to our house to get Jensen and he came out wearing shorts and he had shaved vertical stripes on his legs just to make his friends laugh. Another guy told about a time in college when they were sitting around in the cafeteria. Jensen walked pretending he had a racket on his shoulder and said, "Anyone for squash?" in an overdone British accent. The guy who told the story was looking for a name for his band at the time so he chose Anyone for Squash.

I guess the worst part of today is that I am gaining on Jensen. For as long as I've been alive he has been around and he was always my older brother. I am still 2 years behind but pretty soon I won't be. I think my 33rd birthday will be really hard because then I will be older than he ever was. My life will move on and I will get older and he will always be young. It seems wrong to me.

From the first time I saw him (I don't have a picture of that) to the last time I saw him (I do, unfortunately, have a pic of that-I didn't know it would be the last time I saw him. It is the one of us with Jensen in the green coat) I have always loved him, looked up to him, and known he was special. Today is no different.

Wonderful Moments

Stephanie came up with a great idea. She challenged bloggers to write down 10 or so wonderful moments from this week in their life as parents. I thought it was such a great idea that I borrowed it.

I am really loving this challenge because it helps me look back over my days with Ian in a sweet, loving context. Also, I am waking up each morning with joy and anticipation in my heart wondering, "What lovely things will happen today?"

Here are just a few wonderful moments from this week:

Sunday Oct 28: As I was getting Ian out of his car seat at McDonald's I mis-judged the top of the door frame and totally hit my head as I bent over to undo his belt. As I was trying not to cuss out loud (I failed) and trying not to cry because it hurt so much Ian said, "Oh, Mama, you hurt yourself. Where does it hurt?" I pointed to the spot on the top of my head and he kissed it better. And it WORKED!

Monday Oct 29: On the way home from playing at the airport observation deck Ian started talking about Buck. "I miss Daddy. I want to see him at work. I want him to come home with us." When I explained that Buck had to finish his work day and couldn't just kick off at 2 he said, "Well, then I want to stay with him 'til he leaves." We stopped by work and visited Buck. He couldn't leave just then but he did take some time to play trains with us so Ian was happy.

Tuesday Oct 30: After a long, full day with a party (where he told us,"This is a good party!") and a bit of trick-or-treating (some towns here are celebrating Halloween on Tuesday this year) we snuggled at home under a blanket on the couch to watch some TV. Ian was in Buck's lap and he started nodding off. He smiled as he fell asleep and he looked so peaceful and happy to be where he was. I absolutely love moments like this!

Wednesday Oct 31: Halloween was fun because this was Ian's first year to go trick-or-treating. It was a joy to watch him walk around in his costume in the dark collecting candy. It reminded me so much of the fun I used to have as a kid. We went with his "girlfriend" who kept asking him, "Ian, are we married yet?", to which he would reply, "No! Not YET! We aren't big enough!"

Thursday November 1st: Today we saw some friends we haven't been able to see in several months. We spent the whole day at their house and Ian and I had a blast. For me it was great to catch up with my friend. The best part of the day though was probably when Ian and his friend ran across the lawn with their arms outstretched to give each other a big hug.

Friday November 2: Today's wonderful moment didn't start off well and it really applies more to me than to Ian. We went to a local forest with another Ian and his mom and brother. The 2 Ians kept running ahead of us on the trail and at first I tried to yell for mine to come back. After a bit though I realized that Ian was smart and he kept choosing good places to stop and wait for me to catch up, I trust him and so yelling at him wasn't extending that trust to him or in his ability to make his own choices, and yelling sounded horrible and was just silly! So I stopped. My Ian and I had a lot more fun after that. This was a wonderful moment for me because it is another time that I silenced my fears and doubts and got my parenting self back where I want to be.

Another wonderful moment was around dinner time when Ian was playing with fridge letter magnets. He told me he was writing 'My little pony' and then told me he wants "too much My Little Ponies." Too much to Ian means a lot; more that he can hold in his hands. He has one MLP doll now that is plush and about the size of a Care Bear. He takes good care of Rainbow Dash and loves to cuddle him or rock him to sleep. Rainbow Dash is just one of a lot of Ian's interests. He loves Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, knights, cars, mama and baby animal sets, cowboys, books, movies, etc...I just like that he sees MLP as one of many fun choices.

Saturday November 3: We met Buck's mom and cousin at the mall in Winston-Salem. Ian found an old photo booth and wanted to get his picture taken. At the last minute he asked me to be in the picture with him (as well as Baby Dinosaur). It was really fun and reminded me of being a kid. The top picture is missing because we gave it to Grammy.

Sunday November 4: This morning while we were waking up Ian got really close to my face, put his hands on my cheeks and said, "Stay here with me. I like you!" Then he kissed me on the forehead. :) I am sick today and as Buck left for a sword fight this morning Ian ran in the room and said, "I will take care of you, Mama!"

So, there is just a sampling of moments from this week. It was such a busy week! We normally like to have a day or two where we lay low and hang out at the house but it was fun to see lots of friends and we had lots of adventures. It was hard for me to narrow my list of moments down for this entry. I consider this to be a great week. I wonder what wonderful moments will happen next week?